Luna Jimenez Seminars

Recently I found myself in the waiting room of a public health clinic in San Juan, Puerto Rico.  When I called the clinic the day before, I was told patients would be seen on a first-come, first-served basis and that the doctor wouldn’t arrive until 9:30 am. I stratgically arrived at 9 am so I could be one of the first in line.  I was a busy professional, after all, and had a full day of appointments; I needed to make this doctor’s visit quick so I could get back to work.

When I arrived at 9 am the following morning the waiting room was full.  Already the board displayed numbers in the triple digits.  How did this happen?!  When I asked the receptionist, I  was informed the clinic had been open since 6:30 am.  Patients were expected to wait up to 3 hours before the doctor even arrived!  First one line to get the forms, another line to return them, then another number for waiting to see the doctor.  I had allotted an hour for this visit.  As the second hour drew to a close, my impatience had grown.  No more phone calls to make, no more text messages to return, no more emails to respond to, no more Facebook posts to read.  I could feel my USer entitlement brewing, like a pot of milk left to simmer on the stove–for a long time it can look like nothing’s happening but then all of a sudden the liquid froths over the top of the pot and burns the bottom of the pan!

Patience, Nanci, patience.  It was the voice of my papi in my head. I tried to bring him into the waiting room with me. Almost straining I sought to hear his non-judging, gentle, coaxing words about patience.  He was born on this island and, while this may not be true of all Puerto Ricans, he understands something about connection, community and waiting his turn so that everyone is treated fairly.  I was born in the US where we call this “inefficiency”–a word laced with all the embedded judgment of superiority you can imagine and my tone can muster.

In his book “Uprooting Racism” Paul Kivel writes specifically about white people’s sense of entitlement because of racism: “the feeling that one is entitled to certain goods or services more than others are, or that is [sic] one is entitled to be served by the others because of one’s class, race, and/or gender.” (p. 42)  On the US mainland I am painfully familiar with being on the receiving end of this behavior.  I have accumulated many experiences where people simply don’t see me because I am female and Latina–and when I was little: disabled, poor and young, or all of the above.

Watching people talk over me, look through me or disdain my presence fed my passion for justice–and outrage at the unjust systems that perpetuate these behaviors.  Less obvious to me in the midst of this systemic assault, was the slow and insidious entitlement training I was receiving as a USer.  I had internalized the very attitudes and learned to act out the very behaviors that I found so baffling and outrageous.

Standing in the middle of a grocery store aisle without any apparent awareness that you are blocking the flow of carts.  Walking to the front of a line, even though there are people clearly waiting their turn to be attended.  Not noticing the people who clean the office building where you work. Ignoring the bus person or wait staff at the restaurant except if they make contact, “mess up,” or you require attention.  On countless occasions I’ve witnessed these behaviors and felt condemnation toward the person acting entitled.  I have also acted out these very behaviors many times myself and also felt these same feelings of condemnation for myself.  The condemnation serves none of us–it is yet another by-product of feeling superior to another human being.  How can we break this cycle–and bring about an end to entitlement?

1) Slow down.  When we are going fast, feel stressed and trying to get a lot of things done we pay less attention to people around us and are vulnerable to acting out entitlement behaviors.  When we slow down we are better able to pay attention and be more present–and less urgency helps us be more thoughtful, considerate and patient.

2) Ask someone close to you, preferably from a targeted group, to share some of the ways you act entitled.  Because non-targets (the group with institutional power and access) are trained to be clueless, we don’t immediately recognize our own entitlement behaviors. Inviting someone else to “see” us in this way helps us grow and also can deepen our relationships as allies.

3) Question why you feel better than someone else.  (This can also take the form of feeling sorry for someone else.) When you pulled to judge or pity someone else, notice why.  Usually feeling better than someone else is a cover for where you feel bad about yourself or less than someone else.  Remember: both reactions are inaccurate. You are neither better or less than anyone else.

4) Decide to not be clueless.  Society grooms its dominant groups into cluelessness patterns.  If we were aware we would interrupt the injustice and require the system change.  In entitlement we lose connection with other people to the point of feeling superior to them.  This is the basis for class oppression and the justification for institutional oppressions overall. When we practice awareness we take important steps to interrupting our own and other’s entitlement.

5) Have compassion. Remember entitlement attitudes and behaviors are not your personal or individual fault–nor that of anyone else with entitlement patterns.  If we can seek understanding and to see the goodness in others (and ourselves)  instead, we might be closer to having true compassion for that person (or ourselves)–without feeling sorry for them (or ourselves).

Where do you act entitled?  Where did you first see this behavior on someone else?  Which group(s) of people do you feel superior to (smarter than, better looking than, happier than, more competent than, etc.)? Why? Which group(s) of people do you feel inferior to? Why? Which of the above suggestions did you use to interrupt entitlement? What else have you tried?  How did it work?  What did you learn?

This is part of an on-going blog series (see November 2009 for beginning of the series) focused on going beyond the search for work/life balance and onto having the life you want—guilt-free.  In the first step I asked you to prioritize what is important to you and encouraged journaling to help clarify the values underlying your priorities.  Once you determine what is most important by clarifying your top priority (i.e. health and well-being) and understanding why this is your top priority, deepening your understanding of what values or goals are made alive through this priority (i.e.. health and well-being is important because I want to give my best to my family and community service for the long haul)—then ask yourself:  Does my life reflect what matters to me most?  In other words, are you spending your time in alignment with these priorities?  If your answer is “no” (as it is for most of us) then the next step in the process is to look at what needs to change. The second step asks you to identify what needs to change about how you spend your time to reflect your key priority.

Continuing to do the same thing will not bring about new results.  I have heard this advice again and again, usually followed by some statement like, “Just choose to spend your time differently.  It’s up to you.”  This statement is not inaccurate; it’s just not the whole story. If it were only about doing something different, then we would.  What I’m already doing is supported by both my own thoughts and attitudes (i.e. I like feeling indispensable at home, knowing that I am needed; I have a reputation for producing a high quality work product and that’s important to my sense of self-worth; etc.) as well as the structures and relationships in my life (i.e. I’m in charge of certain committees and groups in the community service work I do; my partner and I have routines around cooking, cleaning and bill paying where my role and time are defined and my responsibilities clear; my supervisor and I have deadlines and rhythms in my work life that hold me accountable, etc.).  Shifting my time to reflect shifting priorities means that what I currently chose to do (and the expectations, responsibilities and beliefs associated with them) is also now in question.

Shifting choices in how you spend your time will bring about change.  And with change comes opportunities for something different to happen—some of which we have planned for in adopting the new behavior or attitude (i.e. I chose to work out at lunch because I want a healthier lifestyle and I am becoming more fit); some of which we may not have anticipated (i.e. My work lunch-time buddies are disappointed that I’m not available to eat lunch with them and hang out the way I used to; I’m losing the friendship circle I had with them).  Change threatens the status quo.  Those in our lives who benefit most from how you currently spend your time are likely those most invested in you not making changes.  We will return this aspect of outside support for these changes in a later step; however, for now it’s enough to be aware of this aspect of the change.  And to try, as best you can, to not let it overly impact this next step for you in the process of having the life you want:   brainstorm a list of what needs to change in order to spend your time in alignment with your key priorities.

You know what needs to change.  No one else has to see this list. And you don’t have to do anything with the list. Not ever.  Just making the list and bringing it to your consciousness is a big step all by itself.  Take out some paper and a pen now.  (Or maybe that journal you’ve started for just this purpose.) You know the drill.  Begin to write.  Try not to censor or block the thoughts as they come.  You are still in charge of what you decide to take on (or not) after you do this exercise.  Nonetheless, it’s still useful to make the changes explicit—as scary as it may feel to put them onto paper.

Now put the list away, for a day or maybe even a few.  Periodically, over the next month, before we introduce the next step, spend time looking over this list.  Sit with it and try not to be too attached to what you see.  Resist any temptations to edit the list.  If you want to do the process again, feel free.  You can generate a “change list” three or four times, if you like.  Each time set it aside.  When you return to it, compare the lists and notice which changes repeatedly rise to the surface. Notice what you see without too much interpretation.  Just notice.  Think about this list as belonging to a dear friend or someone you deeply care about and whose life you want to go well. You deserve this much.

A colleague agreed to let me post this email (Subject: “What Would Nanci Do?”) anonymously.  In it, they share candidly some of the struggles as well as the successes of being a visible ally. How have you interrupted gay oppression as an ally? What did you learn?  What was the impact on you? Others, that you know? I look forward to hearing your thoughts.

Email: Just want you to know how much you inspire me. At this training I participated in, these two amazing master-level trainers facilitated our group. They emphasized working from a positive, strength-based approach.  Yet at one point he used the word gay in a negative context:  “My son would say, ‘Oh that’s so gay.’” The next day a participant was sharing and then used the same phrase. My heart hurt and I thought….”What would Nanci Luna say?” So I raised my hand and commented, “I appreciate working from the positive and using the term ‘gay’ as it has been used certainly is not positive and, I would offer, offensive.” What was beautiful is the young man who said it came and first apologized and then thanked me for putting an end to this use. The beautiful outcome was the young man’s recognition of this exchange…noting he, too, has to continue to grow in respect for self and others. And as he took full ownership for his remarks, we sat together for lunch. I realized that we all learn and grow everyday…he taught me humility and ownership…Nanci taught me love.”

Beyond Poverty and Affluence: Towards an Economy of Care By Bob Goudzwaard, Harry de Lange

Originally published in Dutch in 1986, this groundbreaking book is more relevant than ever given our current economic climate and a perfect companion to Johnson’s Privilege, Power, and Difference. Distinguished economists, Goudzwaard and de Lange discuss how traditional economic policies create and exacerbate poverty, environmental degradation, the ever widening divide between communities with privilege and access to resource and those without. They argue that our unquestioning faith in the ability of increasing industrial production to alleviate social and economic problems is unfounded and even destructive.

The authors urge that it is time to create a system that values the contribution of human labor in a radically different way. They propose a 12 step program for recovery based on an economy of care and abundance. They outline six paradoxes (time, care, poverty, health, labor, and scarcity) that highlight how current economic practices leave so many people behind. Despite a rising need for labor, unemployment continues to skyrocket. Given the preponderance of wealth, many people remain deep in poverty without the time activities related to the care of children, the elderly and other members of our communities.

This book is a radical departure from commonly accepted economic policy. The authors argue, “A renewed economic paradigm must proceed from the assumption that people need to advance the interests of others.  People must be willing to think inclusively.  They much choose to be led by considerations other than self-interest, a principle that belongs inextricably to the thought patterns of our society’s current economic paradigm.” Given the economic climate in the US and globally, it is a timely call to rethink how we view production and how we assign value.

Allan Johnson’s Privilege, Power, and Difference is addresses the taboo topic of diversity—power. The first eight chapters are devoted to defining and identifying privilege in all its forms—including its roots in capitalism (see second book review this month for a deeper analysis). Using a mix of theory and real world examples, Johnson successfully endeavors to illustrate for his readers the effects of power and privilege on all of us—and that all of us have a role in making change happen. “The simple truth is that the trouble we’re in can’t be solved unless people who are heterosexual or male or Anglo or white or economically comfortable feel obligated to make the problem of privilege their problem and to do something about it.”

Johnson’s conversational writing style works to diffuse defensiveness while inviting readers to think critically about issues such as “white privilege,” “dominance,” “patriarchy,” “heterosexism,” and “racism.” Normally diversity conversations are more coded and less direct because simply using these words can “turn off” privileged groups from even addressing the issues. Johnson argues, “we have to reclaim some difficult …, language that has been so misused and maligned that it generates more heat than light.  We can’t just stop using words like racism, sexism and privilege, however, because these are tools that focus our awareness on the problem and all the forms it takes.  Once we can see and talk about what’s going on, we can analyze how it works as a system.  We can identify points of leverage where change can begin.”

Johnson educates his readers about the difference between individuals who may or may not “feel” privileged and how people in social categories are awarded privilege and power by the very nature of one’s participation in the system—regardless of if they can “feel” it.  He challenges us to interrupt this system of dominance by breaking our silence around privilege. He writes about our ability to choose a “path of greater resistance” that questions the assumptions that keep power and privilege in place.

For those of you working to implement organizational change, pay close attention to pages 67-70.  Johnson addresses some of the pitfalls of implementing organizational diversity initiatives built upon the “tin cup approach” and the “business case.” He writes, “Perhaps more than any other factor, this reluctance to come to terms with more serious and entrenched forms of [power and the unequal distribution of resources and rewards] is why most diversity programs produce limited and short-lived results.”

The final chapter outlines some clear actions we can take to transform our relationship to privilege. As Johnson states, “We are not prisoners to some natural order that pits us hopelessly and endlessly against one another.” This book offers us a framework for engaging in authentic and healing conversations about privilege and its contribution to systems of inequality.