Luna Jimenez Seminars

On this 100^th Anniversary of International Women’s Day I cannot only celebrate the tremendous gains and victories we have made to achieve equity—and there are many. In the current climate of open misogyny and uncensored dominance, I take a solemn look at the attack currently leveled at me and all women in the US and globally.

With visible and exceptional leadership, Egyptian women withstood violent aggression and won—with Egyptian men at their side and justice-seekers around the world watching—important steps toward establishing democracy in their recent revolution. Yet when women and their male allies gathered for a Million Woman March in Egypt today to draw attention to women’s rights and issues in the emerging democratic state the response was hostile.  Mostly men stood on the edges of the celebration and instructed them to go home.  Now is not the time for women’s issues.  When, then, is the time?

I watch video of women and girls in Cote d’Ivoire peaceably demonstrating against the continued rule of Laurent Gbagbo.  The joyful gathering of women’s voices raised in protest is shattered as tanks open fire on the weaponless group, brutally killing 6 women and girls.  (NOTE: Read more by clicking here or view the video is below.)

My own US government is also waging a war on women—especially poor women and women with children and of child-bearing age.  In proposed legislation, US representatives in Congress are attempting to redefine what qualifies as rape, reinstate the “gag rule” on international family planning which prevents agencies receiving US funds to even talk about abortion and eliminate federal funding for Planned Parenthood which serves 1 in 5 women at some point in their lives. I am one of these women. Furthermore, women who choose to get a legal abortion would be forced to get an ultrasound and review the images—even if they became pregnant through rape or incest—before being granted the procedure.

Violence against women in the form of physical, sexual and emotional abuse; systematic and well-funded sex-trafficking of young girls; proposed roll backs on prenatal care for 2.5 million low-income US women: make no mistake—this is an organized attack on all women.  More than ever we need to raise our voices, sound the alarm, speak as one and say “no” to the brutality that would seek to silence us—whether through literal death or death of our spirit.  Now is the time. You are the one. Raise your voice—for women everywhere.

Mark your calendars for March 8, International Women’s Day! This site is laden with information about how IWD is celebrated around the world. A national holiday in countries such as China, Bulgaria, and Vietnam, this is historical day to celebrate the contributions and achievements of women across the ages. If you’ve ever wondered about the history of International Women’s Day, this site provides a chronology tracing the celebration back to its start in 1911. While the goal is for every day of the year to include recognition for the accomplishments of women, International Women’s Day is a great opportunity to feel connected to the daughters, sisters, mothers, and grandmothers throughout our global community.

How will you celebrate your life as a woman?  The lives of women you are close with?  What do you cherish about being female?

I recently visited my father’s youngest sister, who is now in her early 70s.  Despite societal expectations and barriers of gender and class, she has created an independent life for herself that continues to inspire me.  She lives in her own cement house, built on the same site in Aguada, Puerto Rico that my Mama Minga had her wooden home (before Hurricane George had its way with it).

My grandmother, Mama Minga, had the foresight to purchase a plot of land with the settlement from her husband’s accidental death in 1936.  She left that land to her five youngest children–my aunt being the only girl in that bunch.  To make ends meet after her husband died, Mama Minga would bring in piece work (small articles to be sewn by hand for the US garment industry that paid pennies per piece of work) for her and the youngest to sew.

My aunt further developed her skills as a seamstress. Eventually she got a job at a JCPenny’s clothing factory, which supported herself and her son.  Her eyes still sparkle with pride when she talks about the lingerie she made day after day.  The factory moved overseas 13 years ago (for a cheaper labor pool) and she’s lives off her monthly social security check.  You can tell she’s glad to not work in the factory anymore (“I haven’t been sick a day since I stopped working there,” she tells me.  “Too much stress.”).  Now her days are her own and she sews for pleasure.

Although she sews most everything–clothing, curtains, etc.–she has a special place in her heart for making dolls. Treasured patterns of small girls, precisely cut, and lovingly wrapped in paper and plastic and stored in boxes are carefully removed for me to see.  Each pattern has a story.  “I made this one for my granddaughter, Nicole, when she was little.”  “When I was six, my mother made me a Victorian doll just like this one.” “I sold this one for $20.”

Each doll connects her to other girls and women in her life.

She’s now making one for me.

Do you have your change list?  Did you manage not to sensor what you wrote?  Have you looked at it since you made it last month?  If so, when you looked at it again, did you make changes to it (or want to)?  If you haven’t had a chance to do the second step (or the first step for that matter!) in the process of having the life you want, revisit the previous blogs to get caught up to this point (starting with November 2009).

Last month I asked you to identify what would need to change to have the life you want by creating a “Changes List.”  Some of you might have things like:  “don’t take on more work projects until I cross some off my list” or “spend more time with my family.”  Some of you might have things like:  “change my job,” “have a child,” or “move from my current home or apartment.”  For some of you the changes might seem relatively small, while for others the changes could feel like they would send shockwaves throughout your life—and the lives of those closest to you.  Notice if the changes feel large or small. Of course, bigger changes will require more resource—financial, emotional, and planning, etc.  In the end though, it’s not the size of the change that matters; it’s your capacity to make the change happen. And building that capacity is what this process is about!

The second tool (which is a companion to the second step) involves categorizing your “Change List” into three “Change Arenas.”  Below I will briefly define how I use the terms “attitude,” “responsibility,” and “expectation” and give some examples of each.  As you review your list and read this article, begin to put marks by each item to indicate which category you think best describes your change.

By “attitudes” I mean beliefs that you hold about yourself that contribute to the current situation of misalignment.  These attitudes will need to change in order to create something different.  For example, an attitude on my “Change List” is to let go of the idea that if someone needs me, it’s my duty to be available to them.  This attitude—both of responding to others’ needs and this being a way to uphold my sense of “duty”—keeps me stuck.  I continue to respond to others’ needs (feeling more resentful along the way) and even as “duty” overrides my own priorities, I find myself unable to say “no.”  What attitudes are on your “Change List?” What would happen if you changed this belief? Even though we know these attitudes need to change to create change, they can be ingrained, almost inherent to us, that change feels impossible.

The second “Change Arena” is “responsibilities:” actions you take that, with diminished choice, feel more like duty and obligation.  Responsibilities are part of how we spend our lives: benign actions that enhance the functioning of our lives.  In themselves, they can be interesting and even fun!  When these responsibilities no longer align with our priorities or larger sense of purpose, they can feel like more like obligation—serving the needs of others, but not ours. Discerning the difference between a “responsibility” and an “obligation” is mostly about rigidity.  For example, I have a responsibility to pay my mortgage.  It turns into an obligation when I can only imagine doing it by staying at a job I hate or when I feel like it’s up to me, and me alone, and there isn’t any help. My responsibility can be met in any number of creative ways: I could rent out my home and move in with friends or family temporarily; I could get a roommate to help reduce the financial strain; I could sell my home; etc.  To be truly open to other creative ways to meet our responsibilities, we’ll usually bump up against preciously-defended attitudes.  For example, yours might be “I’m independent and self-sufficient and I don’t need help from anyone.”  That certainly makes imagining moving in with friends or family, even temporarily, seem undoable.  As you categorize your change list, you’ll find these three “Change Arenas” end up supporting each other to keep the status quo intact.

And the final change arena is “expectations:” what others think or believe about you.  These can be even more compelling than what we believe about ourselves—especially if these expectations are supported by society.  Of course, these expectations may or may not be true, but we have internalized them so they are now ours and feel true, regardless.  One of my priorities is to write a book.  Staying in the daily structure of my current life wouldn’t support me to carve out time to focus on that goal.  One item on my change list was to move somewhere else temporarily—which would mean not living with my partner (his job does not have that kind of flexibility).  An expectation that also showed up on my Change List is “a good partner shares the daily responsibilities of life together.” Of course, living somewhere else would prevent me from contributing to those daily responsibilities.  Making this change brought me up against the external images of how a partnership is “supposed” to be.  I didn’t have a model for partners living a part—although I know this is not uncommon.  This expectation needed to change in order to continue to see my value as a partner—even if I were to live somewhere else.  Of course, it also challenged my own attitude to respond to others’ needs.  If I weren’t physically there, I couldn’t respond to my partners’ needs.  What are some expectations you would have to question in order to have the life you want?  How much of these expectations are really yours that you project onto others?  How much of these expectations are really from others? From society?

Take out another piece of paper.  Put three columns on it.  Label the first one “Attitude,” the second one “Responsibility,” and the third one “Expectation.”   As you look at your list of changes, rewrite your change list so that each item is now in one of the three columns.  Which attitudes and responsibilities (or responsibilities and expectations or attitudes and expectations) reinforce each other, keeping the other in place and therefore more difficult to change?  What patterns or trends do you notice?  If you could distill one or two core themes of change, what would they be?  Share your insights with a friend or write them in a journal—or both.  Keep your lists handy because next month we’ll explore the third step in the process!

Once I gave up the hunt for balance, realizing this to be a futile search since I could never quite “achieve it” and it kept me on the “feeling bad about myself” treadmill, I began to appreciate that there was something much more valuable available to me:  the life I want—guilt-free.  I write these words almost covertly, tempted to look over my shoulder, as if someone might hear me and begin to refute this precious notion.  And I will confess to you: the idea of having the guilt-free life I want is not yet a reliably-available reality, but rather a perspective I reach for, again and again.

There is a four step process and four corresponding tools that I have found useful in heading toward the life I want.  Over the next few months, I will share these with you on this blog.  I hope you will create some time in your life to experiment with them, share what you learn with me and others, and make them a part of the life you want for you.

The first step in the process is prioritizing. As a queen of multi-tasking, everything feels equally important to me (except, of course, if I have that pending deadline!).  And, to be honest, I want a life without limits. Prioritizing can feel like I’m “limiting” myself because it feels like saying “yes” to one thing is saying “no” to something else—a something else I might also want as a part of my life.  As a result, I resisted prioritizing, kind of like one’s immune system resists a virus—with everything it’s got. By not prioritizing, though, I found myself saying “yes” to things that really weren’t how I wanted to spend my time and energy. I soon felt “out of balance” and eventually resentful and leaky about it (“Why am I stuck doing this?” “This is your project after all,” etc.).

Take a minute right now (Yeah, now.  Why not now?) and grab a piece of paper and something to write with.  Make a list of your top three priorities.  You can use words or phrases or even images to capture what matters most to you. As you look at the list, determine your top priority and put a star by it. Now ask yourself—how much of my time do I actually spend on this priority?  If you are like most of us, it’s not a majority of your waking hours.

Now that you’ve identified what matters most to you, take a few more minutes and write about why it matters to you.  Journaling is the first tool.  Many underlying values are revealed when we understand what makes this priority important to us.  For example, a friend of mine shared that her top priority was her health.  Without being healthy, she felt that she wouldn’t be able to be at her best for anyone else—family, work, friends or community service.  As she got clearer about this value, then she was better able to say “no” to serving on that extra committee if it meant she wouldn’t have time to shop for healthy food or get that 20 minute walk in.  She understood that in the long run she wouldn’t be contributing to those meetings at her best anyway if she was sick or exhausted.

What makes journaling a powerful tool is if you can let your thoughts just flow.  Try not to censor or “think” too much about what you’re writing.  If you do, then those “thought monitors” take over to make sure you’re having the “right” thoughts—which misses the opportunity to know what really are your thoughts.  There is nothing you have to do with what you write. It could be as temporary and short-lived as the time you took to write them down. However, if you make the time to repeat this exercise for several days or even weeks, you will continue to deepen your understanding of the underlying values and begin to notice patterns that are held by this precious priority.

This is the first step in the process you can return to if you notice feeling “out of balance”—really just an indicator that you are not spending your time in a way that aligns with what’s most important to you. Priorities will change. Return to this step periodically to check in and notice what may have shifted.  Remember the more you can do what matters most to you (and do less from “obligations” or “expectations”) the more you will have a life that you want.

Allan Johnson’s Privilege, Power, and Difference is addresses the taboo topic of diversity—power. The first eight chapters are devoted to defining and identifying privilege in all its forms—including its roots in capitalism (see second book review this month for a deeper analysis). Using a mix of theory and real world examples, Johnson successfully endeavors to illustrate for his readers the effects of power and privilege on all of us—and that all of us have a role in making change happen. “The simple truth is that the trouble we’re in can’t be solved unless people who are heterosexual or male or Anglo or white or economically comfortable feel obligated to make the problem of privilege their problem and to do something about it.”

Johnson’s conversational writing style works to diffuse defensiveness while inviting readers to think critically about issues such as “white privilege,” “dominance,” “patriarchy,” “heterosexism,” and “racism.” Normally diversity conversations are more coded and less direct because simply using these words can “turn off” privileged groups from even addressing the issues. Johnson argues, “we have to reclaim some difficult …, language that has been so misused and maligned that it generates more heat than light.  We can’t just stop using words like racism, sexism and privilege, however, because these are tools that focus our awareness on the problem and all the forms it takes.  Once we can see and talk about what’s going on, we can analyze how it works as a system.  We can identify points of leverage where change can begin.”

Johnson educates his readers about the difference between individuals who may or may not “feel” privileged and how people in social categories are awarded privilege and power by the very nature of one’s participation in the system—regardless of if they can “feel” it.  He challenges us to interrupt this system of dominance by breaking our silence around privilege. He writes about our ability to choose a “path of greater resistance” that questions the assumptions that keep power and privilege in place.

For those of you working to implement organizational change, pay close attention to pages 67-70.  Johnson addresses some of the pitfalls of implementing organizational diversity initiatives built upon the “tin cup approach” and the “business case.” He writes, “Perhaps more than any other factor, this reluctance to come to terms with more serious and entrenched forms of [power and the unequal distribution of resources and rewards] is why most diversity programs produce limited and short-lived results.”

The final chapter outlines some clear actions we can take to transform our relationship to privilege. As Johnson states, “We are not prisoners to some natural order that pits us hopelessly and endlessly against one another.” This book offers us a framework for engaging in authentic and healing conversations about privilege and its contribution to systems of inequality.

Women or girls who earn income will invest 90% of that income into their family. Yet women are underemployed, paid less than men when they are employed, and receive less than 2 cents for every development dollar spent. The Girl Effect is a global movement based on research which asserts that the 600 million girls growing up in countries in the economic south hold the answers to making the world a better place for everyone.”Girls Count: A Global Investment and Action Agenda” identifies three key areas: 1) count girls—doing so will make girls more visible to policymakers and reveal where girls are excluded; 2) invest in girls—commensurate with their importance as contributors to the achievement of economic and social goals; and 3) give girls a fair share—explicit and deliberate efforts to overcome household and social barriers will be required for equity in employment, social programs, and protection of human rights. Please visit this website or become a fan on Facebook where you’ll learn more and directly support girls in this important public education campaign.

How often do you find yourself questioning how you are spending your time?  “I should be spending more time with the kids.” “I haven’t talked with my sister in two weeks, when will I have more than a few minutes to really sit down and talk with her?” “Can I get a walk in at lunch or should I run to the store for groceries for dinner tonight?” “If only I could spend more time on such and such a project at work, I know it would be better…I’d get that promotion…I’d feel like I’m pulling my weight on the team…”  You fill in the blank. Many times a day—so many times in fact it starts to feel like the soundtrack of our lives, like really annoying yet ever-present elevator music—we question why we aren’t somewhere else doing something else for someone else.  Meanwhile, the message underneath it all is that you are inadequate and not doing enough. Has anyone seen your calendar lately? How could you possibly be doing any more?!

And so we pay money—big bucks—on books, tapes, seminars, the latest gadget, software, or device in the hopes that someone will reveal the secret to having balance.  Balance.  Who invented that concept?  I promise you, it wasn’t a woman.  An image of some waif-like, uber-athletic “Cirque-du-Soleil” dancer, contorted into some inhuman position with only a small toe or pinkie finger touching the ground without even breathing hard or breaking a sweat flashes in my mind.  Are you kidding?!  My body doesn’t do that, and frankly, I don’t think it should have to.  And, well, that’s kind of my point.  We women are on this perennial search for balance (the female equivalent of the Holy Grail without the Monty Python parody).  Forever  elusive, women dying trying to achieve, and yet, we are promised it’s out there.

I’m here to tell you the truth—it’s not out there.  There is no “balance.”  You can stop looking now.

The idea of “finding balance” in women’s lives is a myth, a well-funded illusion—complete with testimonials and enhanced photographs from famous and not-so-famous women—that keep us thinking there is something wrong with us.  As long as we continue to make it our own personal struggle or inadequacy then nothing about the conditions about our lives as women will be questioned, challenged or changed.  Someone must be benefitting by keeping us distracted, looking for something that doesn’t exist.  I promise you—it’s not women.

And yet, something about being a “better” woman (and some part of us wants to not only be “better” ourselves but “better” than other women too!) keeps us distracting, spending money, searching and feeling inadequate day in and day out.

What would happen if we just stopped looking?  (You know that instruction I gave you two paragraphs ago?)  What would we notice about our lives and what drives us if we didn’t imagine balance was possible?  Well, this article will share with you what happened to me when I stopped, what I learned about myself along the way and some ideas to help you get beyond the search for life/work balance and closer to having the life you want.