Luna Jimenez Seminars

This is part of an on-going blog series (see November 2009 for beginning of the series) focused on going beyond the search for work/life balance and onto having the life you want—guilt-free.  In the first step I asked you to prioritize what is important to you and encouraged journaling to help clarify the values underlying your priorities.  Once you determine what is most important by clarifying your top priority (i.e. health and well-being) and understanding why this is your top priority, deepening your understanding of what values or goals are made alive through this priority (i.e.. health and well-being is important because I want to give my best to my family and community service for the long haul)—then ask yourself:  Does my life reflect what matters to me most?  In other words, are you spending your time in alignment with these priorities?  If your answer is “no” (as it is for most of us) then the next step in the process is to look at what needs to change. The second step asks you to identify what needs to change about how you spend your time to reflect your key priority.

Continuing to do the same thing will not bring about new results.  I have heard this advice again and again, usually followed by some statement like, “Just choose to spend your time differently.  It’s up to you.”  This statement is not inaccurate; it’s just not the whole story. If it were only about doing something different, then we would.  What I’m already doing is supported by both my own thoughts and attitudes (i.e. I like feeling indispensable at home, knowing that I am needed; I have a reputation for producing a high quality work product and that’s important to my sense of self-worth; etc.) as well as the structures and relationships in my life (i.e. I’m in charge of certain committees and groups in the community service work I do; my partner and I have routines around cooking, cleaning and bill paying where my role and time are defined and my responsibilities clear; my supervisor and I have deadlines and rhythms in my work life that hold me accountable, etc.).  Shifting my time to reflect shifting priorities means that what I currently chose to do (and the expectations, responsibilities and beliefs associated with them) is also now in question.

Shifting choices in how you spend your time will bring about change.  And with change comes opportunities for something different to happen—some of which we have planned for in adopting the new behavior or attitude (i.e. I chose to work out at lunch because I want a healthier lifestyle and I am becoming more fit); some of which we may not have anticipated (i.e. My work lunch-time buddies are disappointed that I’m not available to eat lunch with them and hang out the way I used to; I’m losing the friendship circle I had with them).  Change threatens the status quo.  Those in our lives who benefit most from how you currently spend your time are likely those most invested in you not making changes.  We will return this aspect of outside support for these changes in a later step; however, for now it’s enough to be aware of this aspect of the change.  And to try, as best you can, to not let it overly impact this next step for you in the process of having the life you want:   brainstorm a list of what needs to change in order to spend your time in alignment with your key priorities.

You know what needs to change.  No one else has to see this list. And you don’t have to do anything with the list. Not ever.  Just making the list and bringing it to your consciousness is a big step all by itself.  Take out some paper and a pen now.  (Or maybe that journal you’ve started for just this purpose.) You know the drill.  Begin to write.  Try not to censor or block the thoughts as they come.  You are still in charge of what you decide to take on (or not) after you do this exercise.  Nonetheless, it’s still useful to make the changes explicit—as scary as it may feel to put them onto paper.

Now put the list away, for a day or maybe even a few.  Periodically, over the next month, before we introduce the next step, spend time looking over this list.  Sit with it and try not to be too attached to what you see.  Resist any temptations to edit the list.  If you want to do the process again, feel free.  You can generate a “change list” three or four times, if you like.  Each time set it aside.  When you return to it, compare the lists and notice which changes repeatedly rise to the surface. Notice what you see without too much interpretation.  Just notice.  Think about this list as belonging to a dear friend or someone you deeply care about and whose life you want to go well. You deserve this much.

Once I gave up the hunt for balance, realizing this to be a futile search since I could never quite “achieve it” and it kept me on the “feeling bad about myself” treadmill, I began to appreciate that there was something much more valuable available to me:  the life I want—guilt-free.  I write these words almost covertly, tempted to look over my shoulder, as if someone might hear me and begin to refute this precious notion.  And I will confess to you: the idea of having the guilt-free life I want is not yet a reliably-available reality, but rather a perspective I reach for, again and again.

There is a four step process and four corresponding tools that I have found useful in heading toward the life I want.  Over the next few months, I will share these with you on this blog.  I hope you will create some time in your life to experiment with them, share what you learn with me and others, and make them a part of the life you want for you.

The first step in the process is prioritizing. As a queen of multi-tasking, everything feels equally important to me (except, of course, if I have that pending deadline!).  And, to be honest, I want a life without limits. Prioritizing can feel like I’m “limiting” myself because it feels like saying “yes” to one thing is saying “no” to something else—a something else I might also want as a part of my life.  As a result, I resisted prioritizing, kind of like one’s immune system resists a virus—with everything it’s got. By not prioritizing, though, I found myself saying “yes” to things that really weren’t how I wanted to spend my time and energy. I soon felt “out of balance” and eventually resentful and leaky about it (“Why am I stuck doing this?” “This is your project after all,” etc.).

Take a minute right now (Yeah, now.  Why not now?) and grab a piece of paper and something to write with.  Make a list of your top three priorities.  You can use words or phrases or even images to capture what matters most to you. As you look at the list, determine your top priority and put a star by it. Now ask yourself—how much of my time do I actually spend on this priority?  If you are like most of us, it’s not a majority of your waking hours.

Now that you’ve identified what matters most to you, take a few more minutes and write about why it matters to you.  Journaling is the first tool.  Many underlying values are revealed when we understand what makes this priority important to us.  For example, a friend of mine shared that her top priority was her health.  Without being healthy, she felt that she wouldn’t be able to be at her best for anyone else—family, work, friends or community service.  As she got clearer about this value, then she was better able to say “no” to serving on that extra committee if it meant she wouldn’t have time to shop for healthy food or get that 20 minute walk in.  She understood that in the long run she wouldn’t be contributing to those meetings at her best anyway if she was sick or exhausted.

What makes journaling a powerful tool is if you can let your thoughts just flow.  Try not to censor or “think” too much about what you’re writing.  If you do, then those “thought monitors” take over to make sure you’re having the “right” thoughts—which misses the opportunity to know what really are your thoughts.  There is nothing you have to do with what you write. It could be as temporary and short-lived as the time you took to write them down. However, if you make the time to repeat this exercise for several days or even weeks, you will continue to deepen your understanding of the underlying values and begin to notice patterns that are held by this precious priority.

This is the first step in the process you can return to if you notice feeling “out of balance”—really just an indicator that you are not spending your time in a way that aligns with what’s most important to you. Priorities will change. Return to this step periodically to check in and notice what may have shifted.  Remember the more you can do what matters most to you (and do less from “obligations” or “expectations”) the more you will have a life that you want.

How often do you find yourself questioning how you are spending your time?  “I should be spending more time with the kids.” “I haven’t talked with my sister in two weeks, when will I have more than a few minutes to really sit down and talk with her?” “Can I get a walk in at lunch or should I run to the store for groceries for dinner tonight?” “If only I could spend more time on such and such a project at work, I know it would be better…I’d get that promotion…I’d feel like I’m pulling my weight on the team…”  You fill in the blank. Many times a day—so many times in fact it starts to feel like the soundtrack of our lives, like really annoying yet ever-present elevator music—we question why we aren’t somewhere else doing something else for someone else.  Meanwhile, the message underneath it all is that you are inadequate and not doing enough. Has anyone seen your calendar lately? How could you possibly be doing any more?!

And so we pay money—big bucks—on books, tapes, seminars, the latest gadget, software, or device in the hopes that someone will reveal the secret to having balance.  Balance.  Who invented that concept?  I promise you, it wasn’t a woman.  An image of some waif-like, uber-athletic “Cirque-du-Soleil” dancer, contorted into some inhuman position with only a small toe or pinkie finger touching the ground without even breathing hard or breaking a sweat flashes in my mind.  Are you kidding?!  My body doesn’t do that, and frankly, I don’t think it should have to.  And, well, that’s kind of my point.  We women are on this perennial search for balance (the female equivalent of the Holy Grail without the Monty Python parody).  Forever  elusive, women dying trying to achieve, and yet, we are promised it’s out there.

I’m here to tell you the truth—it’s not out there.  There is no “balance.”  You can stop looking now.

The idea of “finding balance” in women’s lives is a myth, a well-funded illusion—complete with testimonials and enhanced photographs from famous and not-so-famous women—that keep us thinking there is something wrong with us.  As long as we continue to make it our own personal struggle or inadequacy then nothing about the conditions about our lives as women will be questioned, challenged or changed.  Someone must be benefitting by keeping us distracted, looking for something that doesn’t exist.  I promise you—it’s not women.

And yet, something about being a “better” woman (and some part of us wants to not only be “better” ourselves but “better” than other women too!) keeps us distracting, spending money, searching and feeling inadequate day in and day out.

What would happen if we just stopped looking?  (You know that instruction I gave you two paragraphs ago?)  What would we notice about our lives and what drives us if we didn’t imagine balance was possible?  Well, this article will share with you what happened to me when I stopped, what I learned about myself along the way and some ideas to help you get beyond the search for life/work balance and closer to having the life you want.